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Now that my son has grown and has stepped out from under my skirt-tails, it’s time for me to design the love life I want. Well, to be more honest, I’ve dated over the past 7 years. Yet relationship after relationship, although enjoyable, honest and caring, were disappointing. When I realized that I needed to take even more responsibility for my happiness, the brakes were off!
At the beginning of May, I shared with my dear friend, Anna, that intuitively, I knew ‘my’ guy wasn’t in Ottawa. She offered an exercise, and words of encouragement to persevere rather than give up. She had used this process to attract her wonderful guy, and perhaps it would work for me. Remaining open but skeptical, I agreed to follow through with the ‘exercise’ to attract the man of my dreams, which I’ll share with you…
Whether you’re 25 or 55 years of age, seeking a significant guy or gal, actively pursuing, or carefree, the methodology of the exercise is the same because you are the designer of your life, as I am of mine.
Your success rate is based on how well you know yourself, your needs and your wants, as well as your ability to articulate. And depending on your age, you’ve probably been through at least a couple of relationships, if not several. The more relationships you’ve had, the greater your experience and your awareness of what you DON’T want.
Keep in mind that I’m still ‘in the process.’ But rather than leaning towards cynicism, I’m finding a renewed sense of adventure, freedom and clarity, which indicates to me that I’m healing what I need to heal, simply by going through the process. So, here goes!
Part I:- DISLIKES
Write out all the dislikes you don’t want in a relationship and in the other person. You’ll find old hurts and memories come up. Perhaps anger, betrayal, disappointment, but keep going. It’s a purging process. Take your time. Take a few days or a few weeks. You want to clear the old to make way for the new, just as you would your closet.
I took my time with this phase because I wanted it to be thorough. With so much more to live, give and experience, I didn’t want to waste any more potential, energy or time. I wrote my dislikes over the course of a weekend, and then put them aside for a couple of days. Afterwards, I re-read the list and continued to add to it. In the end, I had 7 double-sided hand-written pages…
Here were some of my ‘don’t wants’ …. drama, addictions, co-dependence, deceit, lack of integrity, cowardly, insecure, arrogant, ignorant, unsafe, closed-minded, intolerant, impatient, unimaginative, boring, fearful, a 9 to 5’ver, selfish, traditional, depressed, needy, violent, cruel, abusive, procrastination, control, manipulation, self-absorbed, narcissistic, miserly, unstable (financially, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually), poor, unconscious, unaware, disrespectful, dishonesty, in-authentic, emotional unavailable, conventional, religious, unappreciative, insincere, untidy, married, judgmental, indecisive, critical, condemning, punishing, disorderly, lack of common-sense, discontent, disorganized, irresponsible, unbalanced, antagonistic, etc… and the list went on to include the type of career, background, education, leisure, activities, and even sex!
Once the list felt complete, I waited a few more days to allow the internal process to do the same. Then, with conviction and a renewed clarity, I burned the list in the fire pit in the courtyard behind me. The next day, the guys I didn’t want to hear from, stopped calling. It was amazing!
Part II- LIKES
This can be the tricky part if you make assumptions or are too vague. So, take your time with this section as well. Be as thorough and as articulate as you can. For example, if you’re looking for someone who is wealthy, don’t assume they are generous. Describe what wealth is for you, and what it would look like in your partner. Is it simply money? Is it having a loving family and friends? A combination of both, or more?
Also, be specific as to how you design the time you spend together. Every night, weekends, vacations, holidays? And don’t assume he lives or works close to you. That guy or gal you’re seeking could be on the other side of the world, which may mean a long distance relationship. Is that what YOU want? Do you want someone with young kids, older kids? Does his/her type of career matter to you? Also, write it in the present tense… as if the person is already in your life.
You’re the designer of your life and your relationship. You hold the pen!!! The love life YOU want is yours for the taking… design it! Create it! Because what I noticed by doing this process is that in the past, I wasn’t being loved the way I wanted to be loved. I was being loved the way my mother had been loved…
Here are some of my ‘wants’ … successful entrepreneur, secure within himself, established, committed to growing and learning, courageous, brave, imaginative, creative, spiritual, unconventional with an appreciation for convention, romantic, respectful of women (personally and professionally), adventurous, well-being, attractive to me, 45-55 years of age, great common-sense and business sense, non-judgmental, non-critical, non-condemning, we flow naturally, youthful energy, contemporary, has valid driver and motorcycle licenses, owns his own home, integrity, self-aware, knows how and when to put his ego aside, makes my happiness a priority, 5’10-6’1, medium build, fit, healthy, some post-secondary education, balanced, emotionally stable and mature, makes my awakenings come true, he complements me, nice ass, loving, tender; makes me feel proud of my life, my decisions, my choices, my career; he values my opinion, experience, femininity and contributions, he’s safe and vulnerable, he shows me appreciation and affection daily, weekly in ways that delight and surprise me; he is 1 hour from me, etc….
I put my likes into categories; physical, financial, leisure, interest/activities, time spent together, sex, career, how he makes me feel, etc… Remember that what you ask in another, you also ask from yourself. I’m not looking for perfection. I’m looking for the right fit! I asked for someone who would complement me and make my awakenings come true.
I took several weeks for this section, really digging deep within myself, putting aside how society defines happiness and success to get to the core of MY definition of happiness… on the last page, as a final intention, I wrote… ‘this, or someone, something better.’ Because in the end, I don’t know, what I don’t know. And if there’s a better man, a better relationship than I could ever possibly imagine for myself, then I’m open to that possibility, as well. I also made a copy, in the event I needed to burn it again in a couple of months.
It was 7-typed pages long, and I also had Anna give it a good look-over in the event I missed some of the basics.
About a month had passed before I remembered that I hadn’t completed the process. That same whisper reminded me that New Moons were a good time for new beginnings. And it just so happened that the evening I felt pulled to burn my ‘wants,’ was the night of the July New Moon. At 10:30pm, last week, I burned my desires.
I must confess, though, that I had a moment of hesitation. What I was doing felt so final, so confident, so real… I wondered whether I was emotionally ready to receive my desires. And then, I decided that I was worthy, and there was nothing wrong with wanting what I wanted! And if by chance I wasn’t ready, then I would be!
I’ll keep you posted… until then, journey well!
Excerpts from this blog were broadcast on DAWG-FM on July 20-22, 2012 from 10pm to midnight.